My buddy John just sent out this little Driving in Toronto meme which is so incredibly true, particularly the bits about shredded tires, turn signals, and driving 130 in the left lane being a shooting offense.

DRIVING IN TORONTO

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city's name: it is T.O.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 AM to noon. The evening rush
hour is from noon to 7:00 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 km/h. On the 401
or 407, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything
less is considered 'wussy.'

4. Forget all traffic rules you learned elsewhere; T.O. has its own version of traffic rules.
For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Oakville, SUV-driving, Cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever! Seriously! It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of T.O. and, in fact, the GTA. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, Cell-phoners, deer and other road kill and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. MapQuest does not work in T.O. — none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do, and all freeway off- and on-ramps are moved each night.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 130 km/h in a 100 zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time — just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

I love #5 because it happened to me once.

When I worked security back in 1995 or so, I got rear ended late one night by a Civic because I actually slowed down at a yellow and stopped at the red. They guy behind me yelled at me for stopping, and I was all like “the light was about to go red for me, and would definitely have been red for you and OH YEAH YOU REAR ENDED ME!!!” As I'm talking to him I'm thinking, “this guy's either drunk or an idiot”. He's popping gum like tic tacs, and begging me not to call the cops. I told him I had to because he hit my work vehicle.

Cops arrive and tell me they don't want to call in a breathalyser because they don't think he's drunk, he's just nervous. I told them that I was positive this guy was drunk.

They finally call in a car with a breathalyser, and the guy blows a 1.4, nearly twice the legal limit. The cop apologizes to me and tells me it was a good catch.

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