And this is Ryan’s speech in it’s unedited form.
Hello everyone, so far, it has been a great day, and I’m sure that it definitely lives up to the dreams that Charlene and Brian had for it. Charlene and her bridesmaids are looking beautiful for the occasion.
When I’m the Best Man
For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Ryan. Obviously, when picking a best man, Brian needed someone who would not offend, would show him a good clean time at his bachelor party, not sabotage wedding cakes or duct tape him to a table and force him to eat twinkies. He wouldn’t want any of that.
Unfortunately for Brian, I nominated myself – you see, he never actually asked me. I just kind of assumed. It’s a given. Brian gets married, I’m the best man. Sounded good to me.
When Brian told me that he was getting married, I thought of so many things – that he had found someone in Charlene who cherised his form of play and his sense of humour; of him finding a companion for life…but as a true guy friend, I didn’t say that. Instead, I merely said the two magical words, “Bachelor party.”
How Brian and I Met
Brian and I met in typical fashion – passing each other on the street, late by about an hour or two for our respective paper routes. We weren’t really friends – more just comrades who enjoyed highlighting each other flaws in details….though really, when I think about it, I guess that hasn’t really stopped for 18 years later.
After we were both fired from delivering newspapers, we coincidentally both found ourselves at Wendys. Our friendship was forged in battle – 7am Saturday mornings at Wendy’s restaurants, hurling tomatoes, ice, and chunks of frozen hamburg at each other’s craniums. It culminated in a battle that required two cases of tomatoes in under an hour. Eh (shrug) that was pretty much it for Wendys.
After we were forced from Wendys, our employment took us in different directions, but the seedling for Brian’s employment record was set. Soon after, he coined the term, ‘I’m feeling quitty’. That trend, luckily for Charlene’s mental health, continues today with his employment with Activate…eh, Alliance, no Headsdown, no TSN. I’ll be honest, I don’t know what it is this week.
Brian and I became good friends after our time at Wendys. We were the only two guys without girlfriends, so we hung out and laughed about how pathetic those other guys were. No way would we give up our Saturday nights for any woman. No way. We were tool cool for that. Others called us geeks, but we wouldn’t believe them.
Brian was originally one of the ‘London gang’ as they’re refered to in the Toronto circles. We both moved to Toronto several years ago to attend school. It was there that Brian helped perfect the ‘I don’t go to school if it’s raining technique’ and of course, ‘Work smarter, not harder’.
How Brian Met Charlene and My Involvement
Fast forward to two years ago. Brian was working at TSN (to clarify – I’m talking the first time around — he’s now on his second try at the Sport’s Network).
What Charlene and Brian won’t tell you, is that I’m the reason that they’re getting married. You see, I actually matched these two together. I can tell the anticipation is killing everyone, so I’m going to recount the tale.
It starts like this. My phone rings. It’s Brian.
Brian: “Ryan, I’m in Love. I’ve met the one.”
Me: “Oh man, what are you talking about? Don’t be pathetic.”
Brian: “No, no, no, you don’t understand, I’m in Luuuuv.”
Me: “What…what are telling me this for?”
Brian: “I need help.”
Me: You need help?
Brian: I…I can’t tell if she likes me.”
Me: “You can’t tell if she likes you?”
Brian: “Nope. No clue. None.”
So, my wife and I decided to head to T.O. to give the poor guy a hand and go on a double date. We went to the beaches and Charlene met us there.
Charlene: In sickly sweet voice, “Hi Brian”
Brian: A heavy sigh, “Hi Charlene”
Me: “Oh puke.” I cuffed Brian upside the head. “You dolt. You’re a perfect match. Now lets drink.”
Needless to say, I was left to drink by myself. They showed no appreciation for my caring services, though I’m sure everyone here is quite happy that I made that fateful trip to T.O that weekend. I don’t know if they could’ve done it without me and my interference…I mean help.
Charlene and Brian Perfect for one another
I might’ve masterfully gotten these two together, but I can’t take all the credit. Anyone who knows Brian well, knows that Charlene is the perfect match. You see, Charlene understands that Batman is an intergral part of his life, she is someone who understands that comics are not to be taken out of their acid free, ultraviolet filtering plastic bags.
She is someone, like Brian, who understands what ‘goodness in my belly’ means. Both of them share the same sense of fun and humour, which must seem like a strange mating ritual to outsiders. And by outsiders I mean anyone but them. They are the perfect match. Or so it seems.
The Dark Side of Brian
Unfortunately, all is not roses with Brian. He has a darker side. A side that I don’t think Charlene, her family, and even Brian’s family are really aware of.
As some of you may know, I am the villian who transported Brian for 5 days out of country to Las Vegas. Everyone thought it was a fantastic idea, and as I’m sure you all heard about. Anyhoo, moving on, I thought to myself ‘how much trouble can we get into in Las Vegas?’. Really, it’s Las Vegas. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It wasn’t the gambling (though he did manage to lose a full $400 dollars earmarked for the wedding – but I’m sure he told Charlene all about that). No, it wasn’t the gambling. It wasn’t the drinking. It wasn’t the footlong hotdogs and a beer combo for a buck (though that made things rather unpleasant for both myself, Rich, and the hotel room).
No, it wasn’t any of those.
It’s time for the secret to come out. I was shocked and dismayed, but luckily, I had a camera on me. I captured this. Photographic evidence. Prepare yourself.
I think the world needs to know about this (and other) pictures, so I will post them on the wall so that everyone can take a look at them once the reception begins.
Why Brian is a Great Guy
I have the good fortune of calling Brian my best friend. Of those of you lucky enough to know him well, he is probably one of the most loyal friends you’ll ever have. He’ll always be there if you have problems. He’ll do anything to help someone out, and obviously, he will do just about anything for a laugh.
He’ll always be there if you’re feeling down. He’ll always be there when you have a broken bug light and you desperately need someone to stick their fingers in the live sockets to fix the problem. He’ll do that for you! I know!
Final Toast
I couldn’t be happier that he met and married someone like Charlene. The two of them will have a life of happiness and love. Could you please all stand to toast the Bride and Groom and their life of love and happiness together. Ladies and gentleman…Mr and Mrs Garside.