Hotter than lava in your lap

I got in to work early, did some work, had my computer crash, as it’s rebooting, I decide “Hey, I’ll go over to Starbucks, and since the boss is out of the office, I’ll steal his spot when I get back.”. I buy my Grande Starbucks Maccalattachattabattanattafoofoo, put it in my coffee holder, go back to work. Park in my boss’ (sweet assed) spot, grab coffee, open door…when disaster strikes!

The coffee cup hits the steering wheel. The adult sippecup that holds the coffee luckily retains it’s structural integrity, but a fine ooze of hot Starbucks goodness strikes directly on my PENIS! I blurt a quick obscenity as I grab the offending scalding hot beverage, when a level five tropical storm style disaster strikes. The cup buckles as I grab it, and the lid pops off in my lap. Now rather than a trickle of scalding hotter than the sun Starbucks goodness on my penis, there’s a TORRENT OF HOT BLOODY COFFEE ON MY D!!! I leap out of the car at maximum speed (causing a small sonic boom to go off), knock my cell phone half way across the parking lot, and grab at my now burning hot pants to get them away from my skin. The thought of tearing my pants off my body goes through my head, but luckily it cools quickly.

However, I was covered from the waist down in coffee. Not my normal “grande mild blend black please”, oh no, this had to be my “let’s treat myself to a grande strong blend with two packets of sugar and some cream”, the kind of coffee that stinks to high heaven.

So I had to go home like a three year old, wash my pants, shout the crap out of my car seat, and let my car air dry because there was no way I was sitting on that seat again.

Ahh well, at least I’ve got my health…but I think I’m getting sick.

By Brian Garside

Brian is a digital experience expert, and part time internet superhero. He focuses on digital first design, digital strategies, content management, website usability, and user experience. He was part of the team behind BalanceDo, the co-founder of All New Comics, and the chief strategist at NorthIQ.


  1. It’s called Karma man.. NOT Karman Electra… your evil thoughts about stealing the boss’s spot and then his computer went out into the universe where it decided quick and definitive retribution was needed. Coffee in the groin is almost as funny as football in the groin.

    Big Daddy
    (I am the killer in Identity Crisis.. and I won’t stop until all the mediocre heros and their supporting cast are erased………. erased is funny because they are drawings and theoretically can be obliterated by an eraser… an eraser used to be found on the end of an archaic device called a pencil)

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