OH MY GOD! The worst possible thing has happened. Yesterday we got a notice in the mail from the Canada Food Inspection Agency, a notice I prayed we would never receive. A notice of quarantine. Seeing this notice, a cold chill ran down my spine as I thought “Damn, time to lock up the windows and doors and stay inside for an indeterminate amount of time.
This is the sign I needed to prove to me that the end times are indeed here. I immediately ran around the house looking for my most valuable possessions and put them in hermetically sealed bags as I prepared to bunker down in the basement while the zombie hoarders swept across London.
Luckily I had stocked up on “bite me not” last month, so I’m good to go.
With that out of the way I sat down to read the notice.
The owner or person having the posession, care or control of the thing(s) located and described below.
I have reasonable grounds to believe that the thing(s) described herin is a (are) pest(s) or that a period of time is required to determine if the thing(s) described herein is a (are) pest(s) or could constitute a biological obstacle to the control of (a) pest(s).
Therefore, pursuant to section 11 of the Plant Protection Regulations SOR/95-212. the thing(s) described herein shall be held in quarantine at the location specified herein, for a period of time commencing on the date hereof and ending on March 31, 2009 under the conditions of quarantine stated herein.
Description of thing(s)
Plants and parts of plants of all species and varieties of ash (Fraxinus spp) including but not restricted to , logs, branches, chips, and firewood of all species.
Things described herein shall be held in quarantine at the following location:
Wait a minute. This is about wood? I’m quarantined in my house over wood? Oh wait, I just can’t chop down any of the copious number of massive Ash trees on my property for export outside of my property?
Here I was planning on thinning the herd out back to make way for my new maple syrup factory.
Good thing that our government spent all of that money sending hundreds of mailings out to folk like me who have a grand total of 1 (tiny little sapling) tree on their property.
You get a reprieve this time Zombies, but don’t think I’m not expecting your attack.
Honestly, if they want to contain the Ash Borer beetle (kudos to actually typing your letter out), they should construct a wall around Souther Ontario and Michigan. Then seal it off, assuming that we kill each off in an orgy of cannibalism, blood, and tree sap.
Then, they can make a movie about it with a really hot chick having to break into the quarantined zone, find the cure, and for some reason wasting two hours of our lives.